This morning I woke up happy. But now, I am bummed.
I love writing my blog -- it satisfies a deep need in me to get my thoughts out and into the world. I also really love when someone reads it. And this a.m. I saw one comment and two e-mails commenting on my post from yesterday.
Then I got another e-mail from a reader who suggested a blog she likes that reminds her of my writing style. It was the second time in 12 hours that someone had sent me the same link.
Now, here's a writers' peculiarity. Though we love to read, we sometimes hate to read something we wish we had written. So I don't often read other mommy blogs, because I don't want to be inordinately influenced by their ideas or find that they've "stolen" one of mine. Silly, I know.
But I read this particular entry (it seemed like a sign) and magnanimously share it with you: momastery.com/blog/2012/01/04/2011-lesson-2-dont-carpe-diem. It was a great entry; and also something on a subject I have/would have written on. What made me sad? Momastery had, like, 52 comments and 1700 facebook likes. Suddenly the three people who liked my entry seemed kind of, well, insignificant.
I'm ashamed to admit it, but I fantasize about being big, going viral, selling lots of books. Like, Rick Warren big. If I had a nickel for every time someone told me I could be the next Beth Moore? I'd have like 15 cents! It's not all just pride and glory-hounding though. When I feel God has shown me something exciting or I've learned a beautiful lesson, I want to share it with as many people as possible.
I wonder if Jesus struggled with this, because I know his followers did. They wanted him to go big and show every single person in the known world who he was and what he could do. But there were many times that he healed someone and then told them to keep in a secret, because that particular healing was just for the benefit of that single person, not for the great glory of God the Father or Jesus himself. The "big" glory moment would come later; the biggest is still coming.
Jesus could only be in one place at one time; he had a limited influence, reaching one of the smallest nations in the world within the largest empire. This says to me not that God is exclusive in his revelations (indeed, that small nation went on to change the whole world) but that He is personal. He cares about one tiny country, one little people group, one lonely woman, one lost man.
I am not comparing myself to Jesus. But if he was limited in his earthly life, then I should be content that I am too. And from my heart, I say that if one person reads something I wrote and feels a little less crazy, a bit happier, slightly encouraged or (best of all) a little closer to the Creator of the Universe, than it was totally worth having written it. Because that person matters to God.
That means you, dear reader. You matter. Now go e-mail this to 40 of your friends. (Just kidding.)